January 29, 2020

Jokes

Wandering about

Wandering about,an old doberman notices a lion heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch. The old Doberman thinks, “Oh, oh! I’m in deep shit now!” 

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.
Just as the lion is about to leap, the old Doberman exclaims loudly, “Boy, that was one delicious lion! I wonder if there are any more around here ?”
Hearing this, the young lion halts his attack in mid-stride, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
“Whew!,” says the lion, “That was close! That old Doberman nearly had me!
Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the lion. So, off he goes.
The squirrel soon catches up with the lion, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the lion.

The young lion is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to that conniving canine !”
Now, the old Doberman sees the lion coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, “What am I going to do now ?” but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn’t seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Doberman say –
“Where’s that squirrel ? …
I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another lion!” 
 
Moral of this story:
Don’t mess with the old dogs …
Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery !
Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.
If you don’t send this to two ‘old’ goats right away, there will be two fewer people laughing in the world.
Of course, I am in no way insinuating that you are old, just ‘youthfully challenged’ – you did notice the size of the print, didn’t you?



 

 

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A good laugh for people in the over 70 group !!! 

An elderly couple returned to a Mercedes Dealership to find the salesman had just sold the car they were interested in to a beautiful leggy blonde.

“I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the $75,000 asking price, said the man. Yet I just heard you closed the deal for $65,000 to that lovely young lady there. You insisted there could be no discount on that model.”

“Well what can I tell you? She had the ready cash, and just look at her, how could I resist?” replied the salesman.

Just then the young woman approached the old folks and handed them the keys.

“There you go.” she said. “I told you I could get this joker to drop the price.

“See you late grandpa.”

Never mess with the Elderly

Bill’s second Anniversary was coming up and if there was one thing that got his wife Suzy upset, it was not getting a thoughtful gift on a special occasion. Bill quizzed all his friends, co workers, clients and anyone he happened to bump into, as to what would be a good anniversary present. He finally settled on a huge bouquet of flowers. Not willing to trust himself to pick out the right flowers, Bill called up a local flower shop with strict instructions to deliver the biggest most beautiful bouquet of flowers first thing in the morning with the following note “Happy Anniversary Year Number Two!” The morning of the Anniversary Bill made sure Suzy would be the one to answer the door as he waited anxiously in the other room. “WHAT THE HELL IS THIS ALL ABOUT?!” Hollered Suzie angrily holding up his well thought out note, “Happy Anniversary You’re Number Two!”


When I bought my Blackberry, I thought about the 30-year business
I ran with 1800 employees, all without a mobile phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter. I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, my 13 grand kids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.
My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my mobile phone in the garage in my golf bag.

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, “Re-calc-u-lating.” You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a right turn instead. Well, it was not a good relationship…
When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it’s red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Bunnings talking to my wife and everyone within in 50 feet was glaring at me. I had to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a little loud.
To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven’t figured out how I lose three phones all at once and have to run around digging under chair cushions, checking bathrooms, and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.

The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden “Paper or Plastic?” every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them with me.

Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, “Paper or plastic?” I just say, “Doesn’t matter to me. I am bi-sacksual.” Then it’s their turn to stare at me with a blank look. I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, No, but I do fart a lot.” 

P.S. I know some of you are not over 70. I sent it to you to allow you to forward it to those who are……. I figured your sense of humour could handle it…If not… find a sense of humour…. We all need to have one of these !!!.We senior citizens don’t need any more gadgets. The TV remote and the garage door remote are about all we can handle. EH!

The best form of birth control for people over 50: nudity.

Fifty is a powerful age for women. You can set off sprinkler systems with your hot flashes.

By fifty, you’ve figured out that time is a great healer and a not-so-hot beautician.

At 50 years old, life seems shorter. No point in spending it trying to make yourself disappear by dieting.

50 years old: In Led Zeppelin terms, that’s halfway up the stairway to heaven.

Turning 50? Laughter is the gift that keeps you in the present.

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